Hello. My name is Black Hussein Osamba and I want to rule America. Because I am a rich, successful attorney, you know that I can be trusted. Ignore all those lawyer jokes you’ve heard, please, like, “How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?” Answer: If his lips are moving.
Ha ha, yeah, ignore those. Just listen to my speeches. I give great speeches.

Did I tell you about my racist white grandmother? Oh, you already know she’s not? Oh. Umm… wait, umm, Hey, I come from a white Christian family, did you know that? Oh! You know my mother and grandmother were atheists? Dammit!

Well, you know I disown what Rev. Wright says, completely. Oh yes, completely, but I can no more disown the man than I can disown being black, even if he is an America-hating, Jew-hating former muslim who still loves the way muslims do things and is tight with his good buddy the Jew-hating, Whitey-hating Louis Farrakhan Nation of Islam guy.

About being black, ok, it’s true that I’m only 6.25% black, 50% white and 43.75% ARABIC. But I don’t talk about that, okay? Black people in America expect me to be black so they’ll vote for me, that’s why I married a really racist, hate-filled black woman, to get the black vote. I hate Whitey as much as they do anyway, so watch me rip off the Treasury worse than that fumbler Bush ever could, when I get to sleep in the White House. Then it’ll be Jambo, stupid whiteys, Jambo.

I’m playing the White Guilt card to the limit. I’ve had a lifetime to learn how and an excellent teacher in Jeremiah Wright for the past 20 years. There’s not a white person in America who could get away with the racist stuff I’m pulling. I’m the best! I can tell you anything I want you to hear and you suck it up and love me for it. White people are like sheep.

I’ll see that America sends huge sums of money to Kenya and that my family there gets most of it and takes over the country. I want my Islamic Fundamentalist brother to become president for life of Kenya, no matter how many white American troops have to die to achieve this.

Ain’t no war on terror, no no no, God Damn no, not until I’m president, God Damn no, no no no, you wait until I run things, God Damn yes, yes yes yes, then you see God Damn terror, yes yes yes.

My Presidential Cabinet is coming from my All-Black church. Reverend Wright is going to be Secretary of Defense, and I’ll make sure to fill some high positions with muslims that are recommended to me by CAIR, as well.

I’ll make White America pay reparations to blacks and pretend-blacks like me until Whitey is living in ghettos. Mosques will sprout like poison mushrooms all over America by the tens of thousands and the call to prayer will drown out the church bells. In fact I’ll make ringing church bells a noise-pollution offense.

Jambo, America!

Quoth Pat Condell: (Incidentally, I’m not blaming the American people for their government. It’s not as if they have a real choice, any more than we do in Britain. But that’s the price of freedom.)

For a very comprehensive round-up of Obama news and columns, check out Velvet Hammer.

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